The Art of Loving: Love Holds No Grudges (1 Cor. 13:5)
The Art of Loving: Love Holds No Grudges
1 Corinthian 13:4-8
INTRODUCTION:
In a book titled It’s Hard to Forgive, we are told about a young woman who was abducted by a man while she was in college, raped, and then murdered. Her killer was arrested and sentenced to prison.
After working through the initial feelings we would all expect, the parents of the girl started reaching out to him with letters offering forgiveness and love, attempting to reach him with the truth of the gospel. It took some time but they eventually were able to get into the prison to meet him face to face.
In the book, the mother said that when they saw the man who had killed their daughter, they hugged him and cried and told him they had forgiven him. The killer eventually turned his life over to Christ. The mother started traveling the country, speaking about the joy and power of forgiveness, telling their story. How do you think the audiences responded?
Were they overwhelmed with the faith and love of the parents? Did they rejoice over the conversion of a soul darkened with sin?
No, the audiences who heard the parents’ attitude toward the man actually became hostile toward the mom! How could they possibly forgive the man who had done such horrible things to their daughter? The audiences would say things like, “It’s inexcusable; beyond comprehension!”
I sympathize with the audiences’ reaction - when it comes to rape, I am all for the death penalty. But, paying the penalty for one’s crimes on earth does not mean we have to pay for those crimes eternally. It is hard to forgive sometimes. But that’s exactly what God calls us to do over and over again.
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, the apostle Paul defines love as “not taking into account a wrong suffered.” A heart that loves like Jesus loves does not keep grudges. It does not keep a list of things people have said or done. You might say that the shorter the list of grievances we have, the more love we have in our hearts.
Sometimes, some people are talking about hurts they experienced 30, 40, even 50 years later, after the fact. It’s obvious they are carrying grudges toward the ones they believe have hurt them. Others have been able to put those things in their past, leave them in their past, and talk instead about the joy they are experiencing now, the positive things that are happening in their lives now. Those are loving hearts.
Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel message and it needs to be at the heart of our hearts.
THE URGE FOR REVENGE:
First, we want revenge because we have been given a sense of justice in our hearts. We instinctively know that certain crimes require punishment and our sense of justice demands that the more severe the crime, the more severe the punishment.
There is a game called Capital Punishment, kind of like Monopoly, but you have four criminals you are responsible for punishing. The object of the game is to get your criminals into the electric chair before your opponents do. The first contestant to execute all four of his or her criminals wins.
But, there are proper avenues for punishing others and there are improper avenues for punishing. When we try to punish in ways that we are not capable of, then we do not forgive; we hold grudges. That’s when it hurts us. We are very familiar with the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:44-45: “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”
A poet named Edwin Markham reached the age of retirement and found out that his investment advisor had defrauded him. Instead of being set for life, he was penniless. He was bitter and he was obsessed with the evil done to him by a man he was supposed to be able to trust. He was so bitter that he could not write poetry any more. He felt too much pain and resentment.
One day, as he was sitting at his desk doodling, thinking about the man who had wronged him, a thought came to him: “Markham, if you do not deal with this thing, it’s going to ruin you. You cannot afford the price you are paying. You must forgive the man.”
He wrote this poem at that point:
He drew a circle that shut me out -
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had a wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in.
Forgiving that man gave Markham deliverance, personally and in his poetry.
We must forgive for our own peace of mind and heart, as well as our physical health. Holding on to a grudge can weaken our bodies, giving us ulcers and other problems.
It might be true that more lives are destroyed because of bitterness and a lack of forgiveness than any other problem. And the longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes.
One time when we were living in Romania, I had seen many Romanian women carrying these big sacks of potatoes on their shoulders. So I thought - hey! I’m a young, healthy man - I can carry a sack of potatoes! We ate a lot of potatoes in Romania and we did not have a car, so we had to buy a very limited number of potatoes at one time. So, I went to the market to buy a big bag of potatoes - it weighed something like sixty pounds! And I figured I could carry it home because it wasn’t more than a mile from the market to our apartment!
I paid the farmer and threw the huge sack of potatoes on my right shoulder. And walked for about 10 minutes. Then I shifted it to the other shoulder - for about 10 minutes. And then back to the right, for about 5 minutes. Then the left for about five minutes. The sidewalk to our house went down hill and by that time, I was giving this sack of potatoes a bear hug and was waddling down the sidewalk. When I got to our apartment block, I had four flights of stairs to climb! I kept putting the sack down and resting - on each flight. By the time I got to our apartment and opened the door, I nearly fell into the apartment and I thought my arms would fall off! Rachel just shook her head and said, “Why didn’t you pay the $1 for a taxi?” And I thought to myself - because Romanian women don’t!
That’s what happens when you carry grudges and refuse to forgive and forget. You only hurt yourself.
Think about Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers and then thrown into prison for something he did not do. The story is a long story, told in Genesis 37-50. Joseph had every reason to be bitter and to hate his brothers with a deep passion. But he forgave them. Notice what he says in Genesis 50:19-20:
“Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.”
WHY WE CAN’T FORGIVE:
First, we live in a culture that largely does not look at forgiveness the same way Christians do. Forgiveness is a sign of weakness. A lawyer wrote Ann Landers one time saying that when he was in school, he threw a pie into the face of one of his teachers. He wondered what he could do to make up for it. The majority of the letters written to Ann Landers in response to the lawyer said that the teacher should never forgive the lawyer! Too many people feel that way and we can get caught up in that if we’re not careful.
Secondly, our pride is a huge obstacle to forgiveness. When we get hurt, we decide that we need to hurt in return. A lot of times with adults, we give the silent treatment. If someone hurts me, I’m not going to talk to them anymore. That will show them! In reality, that response is petty; it’s childish; and it is very unChristlike.
If we want peace of mind, we have to choose to forgive. We have to remind ourselves of what comes from forgiveness and the problems that come with choosing not to forgive.
Third, we often do not forgive because it requires us to make the first move. To talk to someone else about a fault, we have to be willing to admit that we might actually be at fault or that the other person might be more right than we want to give him credit for.
But if we want to develop a loving heart like Jesus had, we will be interested in mending the relationship, not in nursing our own egos. Loving hearts take the initiative to make things right between people.
BIBLICAL TEACHING ON FORGIVENESS:
It is understanding the nature of human beings: Luke 23:34 - “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”
It is showing compassion: Matthew 18:27 - “And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.”
It is being forgetful: Hebrews 10:17 - “And their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”
It is without end: Matthew 18:21-22 - “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
It is God-like: Psalms 86:5 - “For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.”
HOW TO FORGIVE:
When you and I realize the fact that God has forgiven us for much worse crimes than what have been committed against us, it should help us to be willing to forgive others. We need to begin the road of forgiveness by meditating on just what it took for God to forgive us - it took sending His Son to the cross. That’s how much God wants to forgive. Just how much do we really want to forgive?
There was a sign at the end of a lot of road construction that read: “End of Construction. Thanks for your patience.” Wouldn’t that be a great message to put on a tombstone? That’s another way of saying, “Thanks for showing me love. Thanks for forgiving me.”
Also, when you go to bed at night, think about the feeling it would give you to know that you don’t have an enemy in the world. Meditate on those against whom you hold a grudge, and mentally drop whatever it is that you hold against them. Instead, wrap your heart around them in your thoughts. If there is something you need to do to help mend the relationship, make a decision to do that as soon as possible. Talk face to face or make a phone call. If you make those decisions, you can then be ready to fall asleep.
There was a college class on forgiveness and one young man shared that he was realizing that he had never forgiven his parents for getting a divorce. He was especially bitter toward his dad. During lunch, he made a list of all the reasons he had refused to love and forgive his parents. Then he made a list of all the reasons he should love and forgive.
Then, he tore up the list of reasons he should not forgive. He said he felt really good about doing that. Then he wrote a letter to each parent, telling them that he had been bitter against them but that he was extending forgiveness to them and he signed his name with love. He told the rest of the class, “I’ve never felt so good!” That experience changed that young man’s life!
Listen to the words of the apostle Paul in Colossians 3:12-14: “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”
Is that how we live our lives? Towards one another? Towards our spouse? Towards our friends? Towards our enemies?
Rudyard Kipling wrote: “Nothing is ever settled until it is settled right.” And nothing is ever settled right until it is immersed in the grace of forgiveness.
Take home message: Practice letting go. There will be no forgiveness for those who refuse to practice forgiveness (Matt. 18:34-35). Those two verses should scare us into forgiving!
Start an evangelism conversation: “In a conversation with someone who has never heard about God, what would you say about God from your experience?”