Like Me: The Need to be Loved and Have a Feeling of Belonging – 1 John 4:7

Like Me!
1 John 4:7

INTRODUCTION:
Danylo Kovalenko was 22 years old when he swiped through a dating app and came across 19-year old Diana Haidukova. She messaged him first; his long blond hair and angular jaw reminded her of an anime character she liked. They met, went for a walk, went to dinner, and the whole relationship just took off.

The next six months went by like a blur because Danylo and Diana lived in Zaporizhzhia, Ukraine and their country, which they loved dearly, was under attack. One of Diana’s friends stated that they were “drowning in each other.” One night, as the bombs from Russia fell, they took shelter in a basement and Danylo proposed.

It was less than 4 months since they met, but they were married in a government office. Some of their friends were concerned that they were moving too fast, but there was a war going on and they were determined to spend every moment they could together. This village was only about 20 miles from the front lines of the war.

Eventually, they got somewhat acclimated to the war going on around them. But just a few weeks ago, on the night of October 16th, Russia launched a series of strikes on their village. Several explosions happened close to their family’s apartment, shaking the ground, and they decided to move into the corridor. At the last moment, Diana turned back to grab a few belongings. Danylo ran after her and the two never returned to their family and friends.

In the article I read in The Washington Post, Diana’s sister commented: “I’m so sad we will never be able to see this couple grow old. They would have been the best couple in the world.”

Isn’t it at the heart of our existence of humans to have someone to love and someone to love us? Isn’t it at the heart of our existence that we want to experience the feeling of belonging?

Let me offer a few hypothetical scenarios… Let’s say a woman named Kathy jumps from one church to another. No matter where she goes, she just doesn’t seem to fit in.

Or here’s another one… Ben grew up in a fatherless home and that bothers him even as an adult. He frequently wonders what it would have been like to have grown up in a two-parent home.

And here’s one more… Sue would like to meet new people but she doesn’t seem to have the necessary skills to do so. Some people are just socially awkward. Sue ends up staying at home more than she would like simply to avoid being embarrassed by her own awkwardness.

WHAT IS LOVE?
Let’s begin by looking at a few passages of the words of our Father…

1 Corinthians 13:4-8. When we love someone, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior becomes oriented toward that person’s interests and desires; they become as important if not more important to us than our own.

Romans 12:9-21.

Every human being needs to feel like we belong. Ephesians 1:4-6.

People who are blessed and feel the joy that comes from serving Christ will attribute their joy first to God, then to their family and friends.

Yet, the need for love and belonging can be felt more or less intensely from one person to another. Some people are perfectly content with being loved by 2-3 people; others want to be loved by 12-13 people.

So we need to feel loved and feel a sense of belonging but not everyone is going to be loved by everyone. It is possible that someone can feel loved by a lot of people but not feel loved by that one person he or she wants to feel loved by.

But when we love others, whether they deserve it or not, it frees us to be loved by others. The hand that is closed to give is also closed to receive.

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED AND SHOW LOVE?
Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is very popular, in which he describes the five primary “love languages” through which each of us show our love and subsequently feel loved.

1) Words of acceptance - Some of us thrive through words of encouragement and praise. We pay attention to the tone of voice, the kindness expressed through words, and thank you’s. We thrive on compliments.

2) Quality time - Some of us thrive on having the undivided attention of others. We are the kind of people who love to just “hang out.” We want to be involved in activities and conversations. We like asking questions and listening. We want to know what other people are thinking.

3) Gifts - These are visualized symbols of love. They come in different shapes and sizes - it could be simply a cup of coffee.

4) Acts of service - Some of us love to be a servant to others. We like to help. Whether it is washing the car or making dinner.

5) Physical touch - Some of us are huggers. We give pats on the back and hugs and these physical expressions are just signs of friendship and respect and appreciation.

If we can evaluate ourselves, we can determine which of these “love languages” are our own love language and it indicates the type of people we tend to want to spend time with.

Sometimes when we feel depressed, or energy-less, we don’t have any zeal for life, or no desire to be social or not being fulfilled - it might be that we aren’t feeling loved or we don’t feel like we belong to someone else.

The apostle John wrote: “if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11). If we want to show our love to others, we have to develop our thinking so that we can give our love to others in a way that we show we prize them and value them in a way similar to God.

FOR THOSE WHO DON’T FEEL A BELONGING:
1) Be realistic - No one will be loved and accepted by everyone. Even Jesus was not loved and accepted by everyone. And He said, “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a slave above his master” (Matt. 10:24). It is unreasonable to think that your friends or family or boss or employees will never be upset or disappointed in something you have said or done.

2) Refuse to be offended. The opportunity to find offense is going to come. If you are looking for it. When people are together - especially for long periods of time - sparks are going to fly. You are going to have disagreements. Do not take the opportunity to be offended. Paul writes: “Bear with one another, forgiving one another, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you” (Col. 3:13).

Too many people leave because they have been offended - family, friends, jobs, organizations, even marriages - because they were offended. That is usually not the answer. In fact, running away from conflict is often a sign of pride and arrogance - a refusal to humbly accept the fact that other people’s opinions might be just as valid as my own. If we expect to grow more like Christ, then we have to accept the fact that we need to grow through these situations and mature into the person God wants us to be.

3) Get Involved. Sometimes we just need to force ourselves into a situation that causes us to “rub shoulders” with other people. From one perspective, it doesn’t matter what that activity is. The goal is to get into a situation where other people will get to know you better. The church here has a wide variety of activities for members of all ages and all genders. Get involved. Don’t blame the church for being “cliquish” if you never make an effort to be a part of any activity. If you are always standing back waiting for someone to come to you.

And commit to an activity for a minimum of three months. That length of time will tell you a lot about yourself, about the ministry, about others and how they interact with you.

Write in a journal about your interaction and evaluate how you are doing and how your level of feeling of belonging is being affected.

And call someone from that ministry each week and talk about what you have done.

The Hebrew writer said this about the Christians to whom he was writing: “For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises” (Heb. 6:10-12).

4) Pay attention to the Primary Love Language - Love others in the way that they need to be loved.

Listen to these words from the voice of the Lord:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 - Shared experiences is what strengthens and deepens our relationships. Friends help each other. They encourage each other. They can - if they are open and honest - help each other live more like Christ. If we have a strong bond with Jesus and a strong bond with fellow Christians, then our life will be strengthened in joy and the sorrows in life will be at a minimum.

Friendships among Christians are precious because we have a bond of Christ that unites our spirits. We need to find good friends and we need to be good friends.

John 15:12-13 - Jesus gave His disciples two commandments: Love Me and Love each other. Jesus will, of course, give His life for them. We won’t have to die - likely - for each other, but the question is, are we willing to live for each other? Do we listen? Help? Encourage? Give? Starting in February, our Wednesday night class will focus on “Walk in Love: Loving Like Jesus Loved.”

Attend the class but don’t let the teachings go in one ear and out the other. Put it into practice.

1 Corinthians 13:7 - If and when love “bears all things,” it means that there are times when we have to tolerate loveless behavior. Because none of us love perfectly, as Jesus did.

Love “believes all things” so that we will believe the best about the other and not assume the worst.

Love “hopes all things” - looking forward with optimism and faith, knowing that God will, in fact, work all things together for our good.

Love “endures all things” - Love will endure because it does not fail. Love will only fail if we fail to love.

1 John 4:7 - “Love” is the very essence of God. When we show love to others, we are being the most like God we can be. Christian relationships ought to be the most loving relationships in the world. Because we have the highest motivation to love. We also have the strongest example of love to challenge us.

Take home message: To help others feel loved and feeling like they belong, let’s love them as Christ has loved us.