The Bible and Mental Health: Envy & Jealousy

Works of the Flesh:
Envy & Jealousy

INTRODUCTION:
A woman spends most of her days looking for new ways to decorate her home. Her husband complains that they are never able to get ahead because of her constant spending.

Here is another example: Although a specific woman has an advanced education and a successful career, she finds herself resenting her friend’s ability to entertain with such elegance and style. She thinks, “If I had that much time on my hands, I would be able to entertain like Martha Stewart also!”

Yet another person can't seem to control her tongue. She feels it is almost impossible to resist the temptation to pass along to her friends the latest "scoop" on someone in the church.

Still another is thankful that his friendship with someone was one in which they could commiserate over the hardships and trials they were both experiencing. Now that the other seems to be receiving one blessing after another, the first finds that he is resentful that his friend’s life has taken a turn for the good.

One more illustration… Jealous of her sister, her friends, and her neighbors, the young wife became jealous of her husband's new co-worker. Wallowing in anger and self-pity, she was allowing her jealousy to consume her emotions and taint her marriage. Feeling smothered and wrongly accused, her husband was pulling away in frustration. She was becoming panicky, predicting that her husband would leave her or have an affair, but she was behaving in a way that increased the odds of her dark predictions coming true.

DEFINITIONS AND KEY THOUGHTS:
Jealousy and envy are siblings, the perverse children of a toxic mix of anger, anxiety-based insecurity, and an obsessive habit of comparing oneself (usually poorly) with others.

There is also a root of fear in most jealousy - the fear of losing the love or praise of one's object of love or affection.

Envy wants what someone else has, whether it is status, possessions, lifestyle, relationships, or characteristics.

Jealousy is being fearful that something one has attained will be taken. Jealousy also involves a triangle - three people, one of which is the jealous person becoming fixated on a (usually misperceived) rival, who is viewed as competing for the attention of the third person.

Scripture says that love as "strong as death" will produce powerful jealousy that is "as cruel as the grave" (Song of Sol. 8.6).

Left unchecked, envy can develop into malice, contempt, and destruction of others (see 1 Sam. 18:9 to see envy in the life of Saul).

Envy manifests itself in the resentment of others' prosperity.

Envy will be evident in one's dislike of another. The envious person will not necessarily be aware that the dislike is prompted by envy.

Envy is fueled by the expectation of deserving more success and recognition than another person. Envy, therefore, is closely linked to pride and greed.

Envy is the opposite of love. Love rejoices over the good of another. Envy seeks the destruction of another for the benefit of oneself.

Envy is ultimately a rebellion against one's own finiteness and God's provision. When people struggle with envy, they reject God's provision as well as how God uniquely created them to be.

Scripture tells us that the Lord is a "jealous God" (Exod. 20:5; 34:14 - His “name” is “jealous”), but the Lord's jealousy is righteous. God is jealous for the church (2 Cor. 11:2). Paul warns us, however, not to provoke the Lord to jealousy (1 Cor. 10:20-22).

Causes of Envy and Jealousy:
Dissatisfaction with Gods Provision: The person may see only what God hasn’t provided rather than what God has provided. Therefore, one of the “cures” for an envious heart is contentment and thanksgiving.

Comparison with Others: From early on, many have been conditioned to see themselves only in comparison to others - being smarter than, not as attractive as, more popular than, and so on.

Pride: Envy is driven by the false notion that a person "deserves" to have a life focused on his or her own personal gain and satisfaction.

Low Self-Esteem or Seeking Significance: When people don't feel good about themselves, they will constantly seek to soothe their pain by seeking significance in their circumstances rather than finding their deepest needs met by Jesus Christ.

Value of Worldly Gain: People may seek money, status, appearance, talents, or achievements as evidence of their value and "place" in the world.

Expressions of Envy and Jealousy
Envy can be disguised in a multitude of ways. Here are the most common manifestations:

Resentment toward Others: The person may be highly critical and judgmental of another person or persons.

Competition in Relationships: The desire to be the "top dog" in relationships may be indicative of a struggle with envy. The person may exhibit a drive toward overachievement and exhibit a superior attitude toward others.

Depression: The person may become highly self-critical because he or she has not achieved what is desired and what the other person has.

Lack of Contentment: We live in a culture in which the media bombards us with the false notion that achieving more material gain will lead to greater happiness. A person struggling with envy is rarely content with what God has provided.

Gossip about Others: Envious people constantly criticize the object of their envy.

Idolizing or Putting Others on a Pedestal.

Dissatisfaction with Life: People who are jealous often have thoughts of If only...

Stages of Envy and Jealousy - As we see from James 1:13-15, sin grows and develops. So it is with “envy” and “jealousy.”

Initial Stage: The first stage of envy is desiring what someone else is or has.

Scorn or Disdain: When a person does not face his or her own envy, it can lead to scorn or disdain for another person, simply because this person is a reminder of what is lacking. This is expressed in contempt.

Malice: Envy can also develop into malice. People desire to destroy the good they see in another's life, believing that if they cannot have what another person has, they will destroy any pleasure the other person has from it.

Domination of Relationships: Jealousy, when carried to extremes, can dominate a relationship. Some spouses, having faced abuse or abandonment in their childhood, bring this pathology into a marriage. Unresolved issues from one's past can be the impetus for developing a vicious cycle of dysfunctional jealousy.

A Consuming Cycle: A chronically jealous partner will use self-pity, lies, threats, and other manipulations to control a relationship. When the other resists, the jealous person reacts by becoming more controlling. As time goes by, this cycle gains speed and heads toward disaster.

AM I FEELING JEALOUS?
Often other issues mask envy. A person may speak of the unfairness of life or express resentment toward someone else. The person may have a need to always be the best at every task undertaken.

Be aware that the issue of resentment may also be a lack of forgiveness in which the person experienced hurt from someone else and desires revenge.

Listen to the core issue. Is it the case that I am resentful toward what someone has done to me? Is it because someone else has achieved something that I have not?

I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge my struggle and experience.

1. What is the situation that has prompted such difficult feelings for me?
2. Do I get upset when others advance in their career or social standing?
3. Do I find that it is difficult for me to celebrate the blessings of some of those around me?
4. Do I sometimes feel that God has disappointed me in His provision?
5. Do I find myself often thinking, “If only I…” (fill in the blank with what you wish were different in your life)?
6. Where do I find that most of my money goes?
7. Do I feel secretly pleased when someone I admire experiences a setback?
8. Do I sometimes want to sabotage another's blessings?
9. Do I struggle with feeling critical and/or judgmental of others?
10. Do I find that I am not content unless I am the "best" at something?
11. Do I struggle with depression?
12. Would I identify more with the best and brightest rather than with those on the fringe of a group?
13. Do I find that I tend to put others on a pedestal?
14. How do I feel about my marriage?
15. How do I feel about my spouse's friendships or activities?
16. Has my spouse ever given me reason to doubt his [her] faithfulness or love for me

WISE COUNSEL
The first time the Hebrew word “envy” or “jealous” (they translate the same Hebrew word) is used in the Scriptures is in Genesis 26:14, relative to the Philistines’ attitude toward Isaac and the prosperity of his flocks. The Hebrew word is used 34 times.

The Greek word for “envy” is used only 9 times, for the first time in Matthew 27:18 relative to the Pharisees’ motivation for betraying Jesus into the governor’s hands for execution. Paul will list “envy” as a sin in Romans 1:29; Gal. 5:21; 1 Tim. 6:4; Titus 3:3. Peter will tell Christians to “put off” envy in 1 Peter 2:1.

The first time the Greek word “jealous” is used is in Acts 7:9 as Stephen reminds his Jewish audience that Joseph’s brothers were motivated by jealousy when they sold him into slavery into Egypt. This word is used 11 times. About half the time, it is used with positive connotations with the meaning “earnestly desire” such as 1 Cor. 12:31.

The core to overcoming envy or jealousy is threefold:
1. understanding God's love
2. being content with His provision
3. loving others as God loves you.

Envy and jealousy are futile attempts to fill one's deepest longings for significance and security by seeking what someone else has or by controlling what someone else does.

The person who is struggling should be gently and consistently pointed to the love and sufficiency of Jesus Christ.

This lesson is to encourage you - each of us - to be willing to address this issue and look honestly at our own sin.

HOW TO OVERCOME ENVY / JEALOUSY:
1. Be Honest
 We all deceive ourselves in a multitude of ways. While we may not feel we are experiencing envy or jealousy, these feelings may be disguised in many different forms, such as criticism, contempt, gossip, self-pity, and manipulation.

Ask God to reveal your motivations and feelings. Write down in a journal or private notebook what God has shown you in your heart.

Confess your heart’s attitudes to Christ.

2. Focus on Jesus Christ
 God sees you as His own beloved child.

Commit yourself and the day to God, asking for His guidance and presence throughout the day.

3. Develop a Lifestyle of Gratitude and Worship
Count your blessings.

Read the Psalms as personal prayers, praising God for all He is and what He has done.

At the end of each day, reflect on the unexpected blessings you received throughout the day. Thank God for His constant love and care.

4. Avoid Activities That Encourage Comparison
Spend time in malls only when there is a specific item you need to purchase.

Read books that encourage reflection on the beauty of life and external blessings we have as believers.

Minimize exposure to magazines, TV, and other media that focus on material gain.

5. Interrupt Feelings of Envy
Pray for God's blessing to be poured out on the person whom you envy and give thanks for God’s provision for that person.

Remind yourself of Jesus’ counsel that "one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses” (Luke 12:15). Ultimately, “things” are shallow substitutes for the presence of God in your life.

Remind yourself of who you are as one of God's chosen children. "From the beginning [God] chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth" (2 Thess. 2:13).

Ask yourself what it is about the person that causes you to envy him or her. Does this person have strong social skills? Is he or she deeply compassionate? Thank God for the redeeming qualities you see in this person and ask God to form those qualities in your own heart. Then you will move from envy to admiration.

Affirm and give thanks for the qualities that God has established in your own heart.

6. Interrupt Feelings of Jealousy:
Be honest with yourself--back off from controlling or manipulative statements.

Spend time with God. Immerse yourself in prayer and God's Word. Ask Him to transform your need for security into dependence on and confidence in Him.

Transform your mind. Instead of allowing your anxious thoughts to lead to dark suspicions, ask God to cleanse your heart and mind. Ask Him to help you truly love - "love does not envy ... thinks no evil" (1 Cor. 13:4-5). Remember all the positives in your relationship with the person of whom you are jealous.

Do something - right then - to show your love. Make a call; send an email.

7. Grow:
Create a plan to develop the gifts and abilities God has uniquely given you.

Evaluate your spiritual gifts and talents.

Practice spiritual disciplines. Examples are: prayer, meditation, study, worship, fellowship, and memorization.

Spend time memorizing Scripture; pray for a particular situation in your life.

Ask God to bring Christians into your life who can encourage you in your relationship with Christ.

BIBLICAL INSIGHTS:
This is the law of jealousy… Numbers 5:29 - The ancient Israelites had a complex ritual for dealing with jealousy. Their detailed process (Num. 5:11-31) recognized the destructive potential of a jealous husband or wife. The most important part was that they dealt with this issue before the Lord (v. 30).

Jealousy can destroy any relationship, and in a marriage, it can drive in a wedge of mistrust.

Protection from the wedge of jealousy begins with honesty. Each spouse should honestly consider his or her own tendency toward jealousy, answering the question, "What makes me jealous?"

Each spouse should honestly tell his or her feelings. Then they can discuss what they could do for each other to alleviate those feelings. Complete honesty and trust will help to obliterate jealousy.

Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him; and he said, "They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?” 1 Samuel 18:8

Saul became jealous of David's victory over Goliath and the national attention that it received. The young warrior had upstaged the king. Saul's jealousy led to anger, resentment, fear, and attempted murder.

Like a seething cauldron ready to tip at any moment, uncontrolled jealousy can lead to destruction. We must take our jealousy to God, asking Him to help us appreciate others' talents while showing us how best to use our own.

“For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:2).

The word jealous can be used positively or negatively. Paul said that he was "jealous for" the Corinthian believers "with godly jealousy." Paul's jealousy was not for his own reputation but for the Corinthians' eternal safety.

Human jealousy, however, often has a less than noble focus - such as another's looks, wealth, popularity, or power - and it is harmful to all involved.

Believers must be careful not to allow ungodly jealousy to harm themselves or others.

“Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy; and all evil speaking…” (1 Peter 2:1).

CONCLUSION:
Christians should be so grateful to the One who called us to be holy that we desire to be holy in every aspect of our conduct (1 Peter 1:15).

This means "laying aside all... envy" because envy has no usefulness in God's kingdom. Envy causes hurt, dissension, and division.

People who compare themselves to others will feel either superior or inferior.

Take home message: God wants us to stop comparing our looks, possessions, jobs, or abilities with those of others and to focus on being His child and serving Him.